


oneshot book

by mercury_dex (orphan_account)



Category: Green Eggs and Ham (Cartoon)
Genre: A WHOLE DAMN LOT OF FLUFF, Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Christmas, Christmas Music, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Everyone Is Gay, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, House Cleaning, Love Confessions, M/M, Poor Sam, Sam has ADHD, Thanksgiving, a conveniently placed piano, chaotic gay dads, flirting through lyrics, i don’t make the rules, i wanna hug him, more to come - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-16 13:03:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21508387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/mercury_dex
Summary: This goddamn show has me hooked, so here you go. A bunch of drabbles and oneshots for you.
Relationships: Gluntz/Michellee (Green Eggs and Ham) (implied), Guy Am I/Sam I Am (Green Eggs and Ham)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 156





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bad, out of character vent fic about two idiotic gays, a nightmare, and a conveniently placed piano.

Sam looked at the floor of the hotel room, mentally mapping out the patterns in the carpet. He almost looked lost in thought, which made Guy’s heart churn just a bit more than usual.

“Sam? You good over there?” Guy asked mindlessly.

“What?” Sam looked up from the carpet with a smile. “Oh, yeah! I’m great! What about you, A.S.I.A.H.R.B., Awkwardly Sitting In A Hotel Room Buddy?”

Guy blinked at the long abbreviation, but answered after a moment. “Yeah, I’m... surviving.”

“Well perfect!” Sam grinned. He turned back to the floor, and so Guy ended up sitting and staring as Sam’s smile turned into a yawn. 

“Wow, I am exhausted! Whaddaya say we try and get some shut-eye?”

Guy yawned on reflex. “Yeah, that might be a solid plan.” He curled up in the swivel chair. “You take the bed, I’ll just stay here.”

“Aww, no cuddles or nothin’?”

“No. Go to bed, Sam.”

“Fine... Seeya in the morning, pal!”

With that, Sam laid down and shut his eyes, and sleep came quickly to him.

Sam awoke an hour later, the words “Don’t Leave-!” spewing out of his mouth without him even knowing what had been said. This woke Guy with a jolt, who looked around in a panic- though all he saw was Sam sitting up in the bed with his arm limply outstretched as if he forgot why it was there. When he looked a bit harder, he could see tear tracks on Sam’s face.

“Wh- Sam? What’s going on?” He asked, getting up and walking to the foot of the bed.

“Oh hey, Guy! Sorry for waking ya,” Sam said apologetically, a very obviously fake smile appearing on his face and a forced cheery tone filling the air.

“It’s alright,” Guy said with concern, “Are you okay?”

“Of course I am! I’m always okay.” Came the response.

“No one is always okay, Sam.” Guy said softly, sitting down somewhat next to Sam.

The smaller’s smile grew... well, smaller. He scratched his upper arm sheepishly. “Yeah... I know.”

Guy was shocked at the response, to say the least. He looked at Sam with pity. “So, you gonna tell me what’s up, or can I go back to sleep?”

“Are you sure?”

“As sure as I am that there’s a piano in this room.” Guy gestured to the large piano in the corner, giving Sam an idea.

“Piano! Yes, perfect!” Sam jumped up and sat at the piano with a stretch of his fingers. “Boy, has it been a while since i played!”

“You can’t just beat around the- wait, you play piano?”

“Yes I do! And I’m not beating around the bush, I’m going to tell you what’s wrong!”

Guy groaned and folded his arms. “Aghhhh, Alright. Play away.”

Sam’s smile brightened as he started playing. Guy was expecting something stupid and ridiculous, like that prison song that Sam wrote for the radio, but instead, he heard a soft voice with pleasant chords.

“Two Birds on a wire

One tries to fly away, and the other

Watches him close from that wire

Says he wants to as well, but he

Is a liar”

Guy leaned closer, listening intently as if to figure out what he meant. What did this have to do with birds?

“I’ll believe it all

There’s nothing I won’t understand

I’ll believe it all

I won’t let go of your hand”

Sam’s smile began to falter as he continued the song, and Guy started to catch on that this wasn’t actually about birds.

“Two birds on a wire

One says, “Come on,”

And the other says, “I’m tired,

The sky’s overcast, and I’m sorry”

One more or one less

Nobody’s worried”

Sam choked back a bit on the last two lines, and Guy’s eyebrows furrowed. He thought he understood now, what all Sam meant, but his heart sank when the thought arose and Sam repeated the chorus before launching into another verse.

“Two birds of a feather

Say that they’re always gonna stay together

But one’s never going to let go of that wire

He says that he will, but he’s just a liar”

Sam’s voice grew louder, and he hit the keys a bit harder, and he was so damn lucky that the room was dark enough for tears to not shine in the light.

“Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away, and the other

Watched him close from that wire

Says he wants to as well

But he

Is a 

Liar”

The intensity of his voice shortened. He bit his lip and paused, before finishing off the song with a tear-wracked tone that broke Guy’s heart like a vase that was knocked to the ground.

_ “Two birds on a wire _

_ One tries to fly away _

_ And the other...” _

Sam forced his tears back and looked back at Guy with a weak smile.

“Did that help at all?”

Guy’s shoulders dropped and he just got up and wrapped Sam in the biggest hug he had ever given- but instead of returning it, the shorter just slumped into his chest and started shaking with tears.

“Oh, uh, It’s okay,” Guy managed through slight panic. He sat them down on the bed and pulled Sam into his lap, starting to pat his back. 

“It’s alright. I won’t leave you, okay? And neither will Michellee, or EB, or any of us. You’re stuck, got it?” With an almost hoarse laugh, Guy held Sam tighter. He waited until the shaking subsided to pull Sam away from his chest. He saw the broken look on his companion’s face and his heart sunk even more - though he didn’t know it could.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Was all he said.

Sam responded with a soft nod and a smile, and a barely audible “I hope so”.

Guy turned Sam’s face upwards to look at him, making Sam feel really lucky that the top was dark again so that his red face could hide behind the guise of the lightless room.

“I promise. Even if it gets worse, It will come right back u-“

He got cut off by Sam leaning upwards and... well, you can probably guess.

Guy felt his face heat up to the point of even the lack of lamps on couldn’t deny he was blushing.

Sam pulled away and looked into his friend’s eyes. “I know what you’re gonna say, ‘That was dumb’ and ‘Never do that again’, but I’ve been wanting to tell you for pretty much as long as we’ve known each other, and-“

“Sam.”

“Yes?”

“Shut up and do that again.”

“Whatever you say, pal.”


	2. baby, it’s bad out there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this may or may not have become a sort of ficlet/oneshots collection instead of a solo thing...  
> with the holiday season coming around way too fast, i decided i’d write another songfic like thing. i can just imagine the stupid ass flirting between these two... they’re so wholesome and i kinda hate them?????  
> this one is also a kinda love confession thing so just... prepare for fluff

Sam awoke and glanced out his window. All he saw was blinding, white... snow? Already?  
Did this mean he can decorate for the holiday season now??!?  
He jumped out of bed and ran to Guy’s door, knocking incessantly until he opened it- and even afterwards, he knocked on air for a few seconds.  
“GUY! GUESS WHAT’S OUTSI-“  
“Snow? Yeah, I know. It’s been snowing and hailing for three hours.”  
“Really? That’s wonderful!!” Sam started bouncing on the balls of his feet. “I’m gonna go downstairs and get all my decorations!”  
Guy sighed, but exited his room. “I’ll help.”  
“Really?!” Sam asked, stars in his eyes.  
“What? It’s not like I have anything better to do.” Guy shrugged, scratching the back of his neck and looking at the ceiling.  
“Awww, thanks buddy!” Sam grinned, grabbing Guy’s hand and dragging him down the stairs.

A few hours of decorating later...

Guy leaned back in a chair that he found in the basement. “What now? We can’t decorate inside yet, E.B. wanted to help with that.”  
Sam tapped his chin in thought for a moment, scanning the room. He then got an idea. “Music!” He shouted abruptly, startling his friend. Before Guy could say anything, Sam had his phone out and was already trying to find an instrumental of a Christmas song that he was sure would bring the two together.  
He tapped on an instrumental video of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, and hoped Guy would sing along.  
The first lyric went unsung, as Sam was going to sing the flirting side of the song.  
“But baby, It’s cold outside,” came Sam’s half-hearted and awkward singing.  
“What, you want to duet with me? No way, Sam-“  
“But baby it’s cold outside,” Sam repeated with a wink.  
Guy grumbled for a moment, but finally began to sing as well.  
“This evening has been,” He sang, so quietly that if Sam hadn’t been watching his lips move, he wouldn’t have known he was singing.  
Sam bounced with excitement and sang back, “Been hoping that you’d drop in,”  
“So very nice,” Guy grumbled, warming up to the idea of a duet.  
“I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice!” Sam made some ridiculous and wide gesture, making his taller friend laugh a bit.  
“Mother will start to worry,” Guy’s voice grew louder,  
“Beautiful what’s your hurry?” Sam leaned forward,  
“My father will be pacing the floor,” Guy got up,  
“Listen to the fireplace roar,” Sam grabbed one of Guy’s hands,  
“So really, I’d better scurry,” Guy broke the lyric for an awkward laugh,  
“Beautiful, please don’t hurry,” Sam winked,  
“But maybe just a half-a-drink more,” Guy’s face heated up a bit,  
“Put some records on while I pour,” Sam let go of both hands and spun backwards a bit.  
One more verse of this ridiculous back and forth, and they reached the chorus.  
“I ought to say no, no, no sir,” Guy shook his head, looking away.  
“Mind if I move in closer?” Sam stood on his toes and turned Guy’s face towards him, leaving their noses not even an inch apart.  
“At least, I’m gonna say that I tried,” Guy stuttered and stumbled over his words, stepping back nervously.  
“What’s the sense in hurtin’ my pride?” Sam stood normally again and dramatically pressed a hand to his chest.  
“I really can’t stay,” Guy sung, still bright red from the previous lyrics.  
“Baby don’t hold out,” Sam grabbed one of Guy’s hands and put his other hand in his back.  
“Baby, it’s cold outside!” The two sang together as Sam somehow managed to dip Guy(whose face was BRIGHT RED). Sam pulled him back up and grinned, then pausing the music. “You’re pretty good!” He said cheerily.  
“You.... you son of a-“  
“Whaaaaat? You gotta admit, it was fun!” Sam cut him off.  
Guy groaned, “Your incessant flirting is ridiculous.”  
“Aw, you noticed!” Sam winked.  
“Shut up.” Guy squeezed his eyes shut, and his face somehow grew redder.  
Sam got really close to his face. “You know you love me~”  
Guy took a deep breath and said, “You’re damn right, I do.”  
Sam blinked. “Wait, really? I was joking, y’know.” 

“Yeah, well, maybe I wasn’t.” Guy shoved Sam away with an awkward glance at the floor. He looked expectant for an answer; but Sam just gave Guy a ridiculously dopey, lovestruck smile.  
“Now, how about we call Michellee and E.B. and get to setting up that tree?” Guy finally said after a moment, taking Sam’s grin as an answer all it’s own.  
“Heck yeah! It’s time to de-cor-ate!!!” Sam stood back, pumping a fist into the air.  
And as the two walked up the stairs, their hands stayed linked and their minds filled with nothing but love and jingle bells.

Happy Holidays, everyone.


	3. okay, but after this it’s christmas season, right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was Sam’s first thanksgiving with a family and food, and the man wouldn’t deny it: he felt pretty good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a human au btw- I usually am mentally writing it in a human au but i try to leave it ambiguous because some people don’t like aus ig? idk, here you go! tooth-rotting fluff.  
> Also, yes, I had Sam have ADHD! I just gave him one of the things I do (I have ADHD) and I don’t know if everyone has their ‘cleaning zone’ or if it’s just me, but I thought it would be cool to show some ADHD rep a little bit!

Sam hopped out of bed before the sun even rose. So much cleaning to do and so little time- plus, his Briefcase Buddy needed some rest.

”Poor Guy keeps forgetting that we’re only preparing for four and not four hundred!” Sam laughed to himself.

He tugged on some jeans, put on a tank top, and on top of that he put on a big red sweater that he TOTALLY didn’t steal from Guy’s closet a week ago.

He threw on some headphones and pressed play on the song he had been listening to, then got to work. He started humming along somewhere in there and woke up Guy, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

Sam danced around the house with his sleeves rolled up, his hair sprawled out lazily on top of and underneath his headphones, and he was having the time of his life. He looked like a flash of white, tan, and red, picking up E.B.’s action figures and putting them away without a second thought.

By the time Sam was done with the living room and was clearing the table, Guy had been awoken by loud singing(okay, so humming was a bit of an understatement). The only part he understood that kept him awake was, _”This December I’ll remember, want you to see it when I do, god knows I do!”,_ and although he wouldn’t admit it, it sounded like the kind of song he would enjoy.

So off Guy went, stumbling out of his room and barely seeing Sam as he organized.

”Wh- Sam? Sam, slow down!”

Sam stopped dead in his tracks. “Oh, g’morning, Guy! Sorry if I woke you up,” He chuckled, setting a box onto the ground and putting his hands on his hips.

”...Is that my sweater?” Guy asked, his voice mildly hoarse from sleep.

Sam paused, wide eyed, then suddenly, he was cleaning- though he wasn’t actually looking at what he was doing. “Whaaaaat? Sorry, can’t hear you, buddy, got my headphones in!” He chuckled nervously. Guy decided to just let it be.

“How long have you been up?” He asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and removing a vase with dead flowers from the table.

”Only half an hour, roughly.” Sam responded mindlessly.

”You got all this done in half an hour? That’s pretty impressive.” Guy responded, surprised at his friend’s productivity.

”Yeah, well, that’s what happens when I get in _~The Zone~_.” Sam shimmied his shoulders a bit and spun, throwing the keys straight onto the rack.

”The zone?”

”It’s an ADHD thing. When I get super hyper fixated on cleaning, I’m SUUUPER fast and productive!”

Guy blinked. He hadn’t really noticed until now, but Sam was speed-talking. ”Slow down, would you? I can hardly understand you!” 

”Sorry, can’t, I’ll lose my roll!” Sam shot Guy a quick smile and went on with his work, humming the same tune that had awoken Guy earlier.

Within an hour, both the kitchen and the dining room had been cleared, and Sam got to work on the living room. Guy had been just barely following along.

Once the whole place was clean, Sam popped his elbow and took off his headphones, replacing them with a grey beanie.

”Thanks for all the help, C.B.- Cleaning Buddy!” Sam said with a smile. Now that Guy had a chance to actually look at Sam, he looked... really cute. Like, ridiculously cute. His hair was a disaster, but in just the right way - it poofed up in the front, nearly covering his eyes, but Sam had it pushed to one side so that he could see. His jeans had one teeeny tiny hole in the knee, clearly just from wear, and the sweater... Guy hated to admit it, but Sam looked cute as hell in his sweater.

”Guy? Helloooo? Hey pal, ‘re the lights all on up there?” Came Sam’s voice, snapping the taller man out of his trance. 

“Wha-Oh-Yeah-Um-Sorry,” Guy stumbled, his face growing to be a nice shade of pink- pastel fuschia, to be exact.

”Aww, somebody’s excited to see Michellee~” Sam teases, poking at his friends’ belly.

”I- I’m not even- just shut up, Sam.” Guy looked away with a huff, making Sam giggle.

Sam simply cocked an eyebrow and gave Guy a knowing smile.

Guy rolled his eyes and smiled back. “You do know that she has a girlfriend, right?” He crossed his arms with a soft chuckle.

“That doesn’t stop you from liking her!” Sam teased, leaning against the wall behind him.

“You are li-ter-all-y my boyfriend! Why are you teasing me about girls?!” Guy’s voice began breaking in small, smothered down fits in laughter.

“Touché,” Sam laughed as well, his being less suppressed. He looked at the ceiling, then up at Guy again and gave him an almost mocking smile.

”What?” Guy asked with dying laughter, trying not to stare at Sam for too long.

”Nothing. You’re just adorable.” Sam grinned, standing on his toes and booping Guy’s nose.

”Yeah, Like you’re one to talk.” Guy rolled his eyes and started walking towards the kitchen. “C’mon, we need to start cooking. Michellee and E.B. are gonna be here in roughly an hour.”

”Gotcha! I’m already on it!” Sam responded, following closely behind.


End file.
